Why Us?
by ScarlettFever0193
Summary: Vince & Linda's anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks, so Vince sends some superstars on a quest to obtain the ultimate anniversary gift: Bret Hart's jacket. Response to Alchoholic's challenge
1. The McMahons Have A Problem

AN: Trust me, the story will get better.

Every few months, the McMahons decide to have dinner together without cell phones, laptops, Blackberrys, pagers, beepers, or anything else that could disturb dinner.

Tonight, the McMahons, Triple H, and Marissa were silently enjoying soup and McDonald's ice tea.

The McMahons never talk during dinner. It's a fire hazard.

That's why Vince was surprised to hear his name come from the other end of the table.

"Vince? Vince?"

He looked up. "Yes, dear?"

"Do you remember what happens in two weeks?" she asked.

Shane nudge Marissa. "Watch this."

Stephanie nudged Triple H. "Watch this."

Vince panicked. "Um… um… Shane's birthday?"

Linda looked annoyed. "No. This is more important than Shane's birthday. Sorry, son."

Shane was shocked. It was bad enough that his father never remembered his birthday, but managed to remember his, Linda's, Stephanie's, Marissa's, and the entire WWE roster's. Now, it wasn't even important.

All his life, Stephanie received the very best for her birthday while Shane got a pen or a paper clip, or whatever was in Vince's pocket that day. He kept praying that one day it would be a contract to sell the WWE, but it never was. This is why Shane always looked bitter and depressed.

Vince threw up his hands. "I don't know! What is it?"

Linda sighed impatiently. "It's our anniversary."

"THAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY BIRTHDAY?" Shane exclaimed.

Triple H and Stephanie snickered as Marissa tried to calm her husband down, though they both knew that he would be traumatized for life.

Ignoring his only son, Vince protested, "But I've remembered our last three anniversaries! I should be able to skip this one!"

Linda frowned and a dark cloud formed around her eyebrows.

Vince rolled his eyes. "Oh God, not this again. Linda, if you keep doing that, I swear that one day, you're gonna be like that permanently and people'll say, 'That must be Vince's wife. So monstrous.'"

Her expression didn't change as she said, "Vincent Kennedy McMahon Jr., if you don't give me an anniversary gift, I'll tell the superstars we love them!"

Vince, Shane, and Steph said, "Ewwww!" and stuck their tongues out.

Triple H got confused. "You don't?"

Vince shook his head. "All right, I'll do it.

The Next Day

Lita, Rob Van Dam, John Cena, Randy Orton, and Mr. Kennedy stood in their boss's office afraid because he was laughing.

Lita was afraid that he was laughing because he could read thoughts and was laughing at her inner, most personal thoughts.

Rob was afraid he was laughing at his eyes.

John was afraid he was laughing because he was bored again and was thinking of what he'd do to them.

Randy was afraid because he knew what Vince had done to John.

Mr. Kennedy was afraid because he thought Vince was laughing at his hair.

Vinnie Mac called five superstars into his office with a message.

"I have a special mission for you superstars. I need you to go to Canada so that you can get me, er my wife Bret 'Hitman' Hart's jacket. In order to do that, you've got to penetrate Bret's super- lockdown compound. Now, in order to do THAT, you have to collect an assortment of items including taking a job at Wal-Mart and keeping the vest, donating blood, paint a nice picture, and get a quick wedding in Las Vegas. Alright."

The wrestlers did not like this because they appreciated Bret. He was cool.

That's when Vince told John Cena, "If you don't do this, you must lose your title to EDGE."

That didn't fly with John, so he quickly agreed to do it and for some reason the rest agreed too.


	2. Going Down to Las Vegas

AN: Sorry I haven't updated in forever, but as some of you know, my brother's sister recently lost her baby and he's been really torn apart by it. We were suppose to write this chapter together, but well… no need to explain there. So I'm dedicating this to him.

Dear brother Jack, you have my support…

To say that life was beginning to get hard for Rob Van Dam, Randy Orton, Mr. Kennedy, and Lita was an understatement.

As they boarded the plane for Las Vegas, John realized that the ticket was middle class and as the WWE champion, he couldn't risk losing face. So he left his companions to trade the ticket in for first class, baby.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately for us) the others weren't so lucky.

RVD was placed by the bathroom.

Randy was placed in the middle of a crying baby and a stinky person.

But Lita got the worse. Boy did she get it.

_Why have I been punished Lord?_ She thought as she looked at the person she was seated next to.

The person being…

Mr. Kennedy.

Ken didn't try to be annoying. And he couldn't help that he had chosen today to eat sardines and practice singing the theme song to _South Park_. That's just who he was.

"GOIN' DOWN TO SOUTH PARK TO HAVE MYSELF A LIME!" he yelled.

Lita looked at him and winced.

_Why me?_



John Cena on the other hand was maxin' and relaxin' drinking champagne in the first class.

"This is nice…" he smiled, leaning back.

At that moment, an attractive lady walked up to him. "Hello sir, would you like to try our newest feature, "The PlayBoy Playmate Package"?"

"Why not? Bring 'em in!"

So, a bunch of busty girls in nothing but thongs and see-through bras came and massaged John's neck, shoulders, feet, stomach, and head.

"This… is nice…" he murmured.



After that long flight, the five met outside the airport.

"That sucked major ass!" Randy yelled. The rest agreed.

John smiled, but said nothing.

Rob gasped. "He was massaged by PlayBoy Playmates!"

John gasped also. "You LIE!"

Lita rolled her eyes. "John, you have a shirt on that says you were. It's even autographed!"

John looked down and saw that she was right. "Oh yeah. I had forgotten about that."

He laughed. Everyone else groaned.

The boys were about to beat up John, but Lita offered a somewhat better solution. "John, why don't you find us a job? I'm sure there's a Wal- Mart around here somewhere."

"But I don't wanna!" John whined.

Lita frowned. "You know what, I don't really give a damn. If you don't do this, it just means Edge will get your title. So go ahead. It would benefit me greatly."

It didn't take long for John to grab a rental car.



Lita was right. There were three Wal- Marts on one block. He entered the first one and went to a cashier.

"Whattaya want?" she sneered.

"A job." John replied sadly.

She snorted. "Annabeth!"

A busty blonde came out. "Yes? Oh hi John!"

John laughed. "Hey I know you! You gave me a massage on the plane! How ya doin'?"

"Just great hon. So how can I do ya?"

"Um, well, my friends and I need a job."

"Okay, I can do that for ya, but you never answered my question. How can I do ya?" she asked seductively.

John smiled slyly. "The way I like it: unprotected and on a kitchen counter, let's go!"

Um, okaaaaaayy…

A couple of days later, John managed to find his way back to the hotel, where the others were hot and bothered.

"John, where the hell have you been?" Randy snarled.

"Finding us a job. Debbie (AN: Uh, John, her name's Annabeth), I mean Annabeth told me to come by tomorrow. I even found a Blood Bank. Out of the goodness of my heart I gave away my blood and got us all pins that said we gave pins."

"Well, we did that days ago, except RVD got wasted from the blood loss and he still is, and Mr. Kennedy torched the one we went to." Lita rolled her eyes.

"One cookie my ass!" Mr. Kennedy called from another room.

"Oh, I was kinda wondering why there were popsicle sticks everywhere." John observed.

Lita and Randy sighed.


	3. First Day on the Job

So, our five friends skipped to Wal-Mart. Even RVD and he was still wasted. (Don't ask how that one happened)

Their manager, Carl, was thrilled that they showed up on time. He put Lita, Rob, and Mr. Kennedy on register and John and Randy on cargo load.

Unfortunately, Lita was all PMS'd out.

It wasn't long before people got trapped in the hole-in-the-ground we call Wal- Mart. Some girl scouts came to buy some cookies.

First, they went to Lita 'cause they're all about girl power, yo.

Upon seeing them, Lita gave them the traditional Wal- Mart greeting. "Bitch, what do you want?"

The girls cowered, but one of them recognized Lita. "Hey! Aren't you a wrestler?!"

Lita rolled her eyes and clapped. "You know, you bitches aren't so dumb after all. Hey, Whatcha got there? Cookies?" She took the box, ripped it open, and swallowed five whole. "Dammit, this is butterscotch! I want chocolate!"

"Hey that's ours!"

"Where's your reciept?"

"We haven't bought them yet!"

Lita gave the box back to them, pulled out a megaphone, and yelled, "Shoplifters! Shoplifters!"

Wal- Mart officials came immediantly and took the girls downtown for questioning. Lita laughed and yelled, "Next!"

Meanwhile, some boy scouts were having their own trouble with Mr. Van Dam.

"… so that kids, is why crime will always pay, everyday of your lives. That bastard will always regret the day… he screwed over RVP." Rob smiled while smoking a joint.

The boys looked at each other. "Don't you mean RVD?"

Rob rolled his eyes and flicked the butt. "Dude, that was months ago. That cat never even realized that I took a shit in its box."

"Huh?"

"Hey, you dudes are boyscouts. I used to be a boyscout. Do you know a dude named Tommy James?"

One boy smiled. "Yeah, he's my dad."

Rob's eyes widened. "God man, you better cover your ears. But you don't have to, I don't really give a shit. Dudes, this guy's dad sells the best drugs! He's got weed, acid, illegal cigars, meth, just- all that good shit! He was in my troop and damn, we used to get… fucked… up! He's so cool, he'll give you your first taste free!"

The boys stared up at him. At that moment, their troop leader came. "Alright guys, have you gotten the- Rob?"

Rob looked up and grinned. "Ryan Prettyman! Damn, it's been forever since I've seen you! Dude, you still following the slogan?"

"Totally! Dude, let's say it together for these little guys!"

They cleared their throats and said it together, "Hey, hey, hey, hey. Smoke weed everyday!"

They laughed as the boys stared wide-eyed at the respected Ryan Prettyman.

"Oh man, it was great seeing you again. We need to get in touch sometime."

"See ya."

Over at Mr. Kennedy's…

He was actually doing well. He greeted the customers way better than Lita, got the job done better than RVD, smiled, gave back change.

"I was born to do this job!" he proclaimed proudly.

In the back…

John was quickly growing pissed. He had been doing all the work and Randy had just been sitting on a box, admiring himself. When he wasn't doing that, he was whining about how unfair it was that he had to do this.

Finally, John could take no more, so he just hauled off and FU'd him. Then he carried on whistling.

Before they knew it, the day was over.

Just as they were clocking out, Carl decides to give them a mandatory drug test.

First, he tested John.

John was taken to a small gray room with no one in it. He sat on a stool and a voice from above asked, "Are you on drugs right now?"

"No." he answered.

"Alright. Leave."

It went that way with the rest until it was RVD's turn.

"Are you on drugs right now?"

RVD looked guilty. "Yes sir."

"Then leave and never come back."

And just like that, RVD was fired from Wal- Mart.


End file.
